Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Head-banging is a very stupid way to injur yourself. But this opinion is also coming from somebody who can't walk right because they cut their asshole shaving last night, so it probably has little to no merit.
What shade of lipstick clearly states, I'm only attending this wedding for the drugs and groomsmen?
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
I'm really excited to meet your new dude! But we really need to find out if he's your cousin first.
Rough birthday weekend. Eating McDonalds in the shower and used a fifth of sky as a pillow last night
My boss just offered me a vodka mixed drink at work I do not have a real job
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