I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Did I let your boyfriend smear a banana into my face last night? Because I have pictures that are telling me I did....
Omg. Tonight might be the night I masturbate thinking of a smoothie!
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