I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
So his "youporn" cam totally caught me stealing quesadilla leftovers.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
His wife found out about our affair the same day he got fired for it.
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
