you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.
Her face is stuck to the frozen jager bottle. I think shes ok with it
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
Accepting his friend request would be the Facebook equivalent of pity sex.
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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