we have officially lost it.
this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude
call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
Bisexual people are plain selfish.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Update - might be back in your neighbor's good graces. She liked the framed photo I gave her of me on the tractor with my business out.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
