My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
We were apparently using marine hand signals to communicate to one another where to meet up in the house to hook up.
Didn't even know I knew marine hand signals.
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
Im so hungover I just threw up at the sight of a CARTOON CRABBY PATTY
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
