It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Randomize
