he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
I want to preface this by saying nothing happened, nothing is on fire. It is mere speculation. Do we have a fire extinguisher?
too bad I'd hit a car before I'd hit a bush.
Are we talking about jumping from windows or your willingness to fuck a car instead of a woman?
So you've been sexting me while spending time with your family
I'm a family man but I have priorities
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
So anyway, I'm just floating along life with my vibrator and low expectations.
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
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