I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
Randomize
