I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
Let me get this straight. You stopped mid foreplay to shave your legs?
Um yeah. I wasn't about to shave them if nothing was happening. And I have HBO. It's not like he's the victim here.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
Randomize
