even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
