if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I've spent hours masturbating before. It's actually my favorite Sunday activity
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
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