Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Honestly I will go to church for him, I will even try to quit smoking for him. But his dick is not worth losing alcohol. He sure as fuck isn't taking away our wine nights.
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Also, feel like I need to install a nanny cam to remind myself what I did the night before.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
There way too many people in that club who have had their dick in me
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize
