I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?
Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...
Using the random money I found in my bra from Halloween to pay to print my bio notes. I only brought a debit to the bar. College win.
He was having Sex and you yelled 'hot and dangerous!" and he responded with "if you're one of us then roll with us!" when he went to he bathroom I saw her getting dressed, looking mortified.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
I drank beer out of a Frisbee and it was all downhill from there...
He forgot how to sit. we had to pick him up and set him down.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
