My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
I currently don't understand fingers.
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