Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So I wore my ankle step-counter exercise thingy while I rode him. Don't fuck him- I only burned .2 pounds.
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
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