call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Randomize
