Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
It's been this way for a few days. I had chick fil a on Friday so this could be an attack from the Gay Gods as punishment.
hotboxing with the ex-bf's two most recent hookups. they just realized they're eskimo sisters with his best friend. this is what happens when I come home for Christmas.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
Randomize
