I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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