So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
Was it fun? The night started with home made Jager and ended in him falling out of a tree with a pocket full of house numbers...you tell me.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Enjoy the penises
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
Randomize
