Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
I fucked the bump it out of her hair. just had to let everyone know.
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
don't act like you've never hung your towel on your dick after getting out of the shower
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
