My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
I'm going as Jenn Sterger if she answered Favre's calls and ended up in a trash can. If I don't get laid tonight I'm going to be pissed
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
