hooked up with a girl who spoke elfish last night..what up 8th grade lord of the rings fantasies
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Its 6 am and me and the girl in the next apartment have been taking turns puking and yelling "never agaaaain" thru the walls.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Asking me to suck on my nipples isn't going to make me less mad at you.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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