The jonas brothers playing in your laptop. This is why guys won't sleep with you...
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Dude, please wake him up, there are pills all over the floor and hes the only one who knows which ones to take simultaneously.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Also, lets remember that we have known each other for nearly a decade and our two most recent photos to one another are boxes of plan b
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
Randomize
