im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
scale of 1-10 how well do I give head
5, but i have never had a 10. best was an 8 so if i grade you on a curve you are a 7. ish.
i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
Why don't we skip the roadtrip entirely, save us the trip, and go straight to jail?
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Just did a "spirit of homecoming" bump off a stranger's credit card. A stranger that dropped us off at home. Erica's bad. How do allllll of the Eastern Europeans know how to find drugs so easily?!?
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
He licked the buffalo sauce off my fingers and then we had the best sex of my life.
Randomize
