I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
she would be the type to have more hair on her twat than on her head
she has to be all "alternative"
just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?
I may have just googled Muppet Treasure Island drinking game
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
All I remember is pissing by the garage and the next thing I know I'm on fire
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize