she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Your final is gonna be as easy for you as getting into straight girls' pants is for me.
Bottom line; if I'm coming out of my bat cave to do the dishes and get a chicken wing and I have no pants or makeup on and my messy bun looks more like Santa got leprosy and crashed his sled into the back of my head then let me be. That's all I'm saying.
I came so hard my ears popped.
Randomize
