You know that restaurant that is like over by home depot?
That shitty one? I heard the food sucks there
It's my parent's restaurant
I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Woke up on the floor with shoes on my hands...I'd say it was a success
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
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