Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You guys sftrill at mcdondalds?!!!!
Yes.
fuckin bring me a cheseburgeria
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I guess I fist pumped too hard. I hit my mom in the face and now we're sitting in the ER.
When we told the nurse what happened, she replied with "OH, Well you don't look Italian to me!"
cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome
oh god was she eating orange peels again
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to hit on your nurse while getting an HIV test.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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