I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Whats the glycemic index on semen?
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
The Winnie the Pooh costume was great until you got drunk and started yelling at the kids asking for pictures.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
Randomize
