So we walked by this chick's house and she starts yelling at her boyfriend "STOP HITTING ME WITH YOUR DICK"
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I didn't have toilet paper until 20 minutes ago. But I have champagne. Priorities.
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
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