I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
