Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
Visions of polite missionary are dancing in my head right now kinda and it alarms me
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
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