I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
What tipped you off? The sombrero?
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.
Those were the highlights of my night.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I pulled up iMessage on my computer and I'm pretty sure two people in my class saw that dick pic you sent. Sorry!
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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