i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I couldn't find a lighter, so I smoked a bowl with a birthday candle.
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
