He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
Someone came in the potted fern
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
