Holy wow, I found all the old poems u wrote me back when we were in looooooooove...just sort of wild to look back on, thought u'd like that
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
do you guys have 30-35 shot glasses? because if not, i don't even see a point in me coming
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
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