I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
this year's halloween challenge: make audrey hepburn go from classy to slutty drunk
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
Randomize
