So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
I swear if you laugh while im moaning i will immediately stop and go home.
Randomize
