There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
Randomize
