I fell off the front porch last night. Actually.. I dove. I dove off the front porch.
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
I think we should have a sex position advent calendar
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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