Your face is a jimmy john
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
We just had a sexually tense moment where we both chose the trough the pee. I love gay clubs.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
