final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
She. Own s my pussycat. Roxk it like. The sun hitting the horizon
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.
i'm growling thTa how much i wNn slwwwp.
save me some of whatever you're doing i'll be there in five.
Randomize
