If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
im calling her cock vulture from now on
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
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