I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
Randomize
