I cannot find my penis.
you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I feel better now, I have multiple fuck buddies again
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
