Pish posh, there's never a bad time to eat food off my body.
Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers
Farmville is her only friend.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
oh my god its dad's weekend for the sororities i can't wait to throw up in front of all these parents
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
Nothing says "Hello, Adulthood!" quite like receiving a dick photo at 11AM from a guy you haven't heard from since fifth grade.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
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