Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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