my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Tip #47, don't trim the bush when you have the shakes!
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
at last call she tried to get the bartender to fill her flask. when he refused, i had to stop her from trying to pour the rest of her beer in there.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
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