he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
ol I'll be okay, it's only a christmas party so the worst that could happen is I end up playing madden naked again
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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