my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Annnnd I didn't even notice there is a guy dancing in a jock strap beside me. That explains girls smiling at me
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
This pedicure right now is the most physical I've been with a guy all month
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
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