she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Please come and rip my uterus out before it does it itself
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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