the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
Late night whataburger runs are great, except if you're the one that gets left black out drunk puking in the backyard drinking from the water hose
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
well his attempt to make a white russian with instant coffee, gone off milk, and that weird probably illegal vodka we bought the other day isnt going well
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
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