You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.
i realized i had a pad on before i went to this guys house so i stuck it in his neighbors shrub.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
