im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
In other news, I apparently ate my retainers while rolling last night.
My vag hurts but I feel vindicated
That is an interesting emotion combo
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
Rebecca hasn't has this number in 3 months. Please tell all her friends to stop calling at 3 am. We are not interested in buying or selling drugs nor do we want to hook up with anyone. You all need to go to rehab.
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
Randomize
