just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
I don't think so, think I've only met him once, the night I lost my teeth
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Did the math... it's Magna Cum Laude whether I get a 4.0 or a 0.0 this semester. I'm blacking out now, wake me up when I have to walk across the stage,
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
This bowl is so big, I just said out loud, "I'm going to die here" as I blew smoke out the cat door. Merry fucking Christmas.
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