i found literally half of a double sided dildo in my shower. i guess someone went home happy.
If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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