What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
I'm going to go out on a limb and say last night was a success, also the neighbors are counting down the days until we move out.
I FOUND THE NORMAL CONDOMS. THIS IS GOD TELLING ME TO CHASE AFTER MY DREAM.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
