It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
See this is why people shouldn't jump into marriage. See what type of drunk you're engaged to first.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
I just want it to be said that I had sex in my Belle dress last night. Classy motherfucker.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
Randomize
