you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
my roomate judo was messing around with a girl who recently had a kid, when he was sucking her tits milk came out lmao
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Why do I always end up with closet ICP fans?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Randomize
