I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
I don't think the TSA agent thought getting iced while searching my bag was as funny as I did.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
Well Its not like I planned having my potato launcher explode and burn off my eyebrow and eye lashes.. I still have my right eyebrow can't u just be happy?
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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