Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
babies were throwing up all over the place
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
Randomize
