I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
I can't go out tonight. I feel like I'm starting to party as much as Farrah on Teen Mom.
Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
I was just thinking about all the dick I could catch while I am home. But then I realized I am too lazy to get out of my pjs and leave my cat.
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me†eyes during a lecture a few times.
Wow. I hope you were either doing that in your sleep or blacked out. You threw up then covered yourself in duct tape... i wish i got that on camera
With a word you would own me. At your command I would walk to your house completely naked.
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
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