Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He called me in the middle of the night to ask my shoe size. Apparently big feet would make me an unsatisfactory third for the threesome.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
You were laying next to me in bed at 4:30 a.m. I asked if you were drunk and you said you weren't drunk you were buzzed like a bumblebee. Then kept rambling on about having to call out of work.
Your sister walked upto me in the middle of the hallway and was like get us beer or shes never having sex with you ever again, wtf
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