$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
so basically i'm the" little sister", he's the "big brother" and we just fucked
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
Idk every story shes told me thats started with "back when i was a lesbian" has been my new favorite story
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Seriously can I go through one convo where masturbating doesn't come up
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
