So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
you guys just sat there and simultaneously smoked bowls staring at each other... it was like a bowl off or something.
When i sexted him a pic of my boobs I was worried he was going to notice the dorito crumbs and know I was just eating topless
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
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